Knowing When To Let Go (Releasing Toxic Friendships)
It can be one of the hardest things to do in this life. When relationships take a turn for the worse, the person on the receiving end of the pain can often be the last person to recognize that there is even an issue. Black women have, historically, been thought of as very forgiving people. We have been conditioned to accept, forgive, or adjust to the mistreatments that we often face. But, we are entering a new day. A day of reckoning when we no longer feel that we have to make amends or appease everyone around us. Nope, those days are quickly fading from our life stories...and that’s a good thing.
You know how it feels when you have these girlfriends who constantly do things to agitate you, embarrass you, or just step on your toes. Often, we have invested so much into our friendships, shared moments, shared secrets, or used each other for consolation, that it’s so hard to just believe that it was all for nothing. All of that being said, we do try to “make things work”. This is especially true when it comes to our friendships. We deal with so much, and while everything is not simply “accepted” and allowed, we can honestly say that too much goes unchecked. That has got to change, not just for one individual, but for the good of all parties involved...and that could just be you, too.
Generally speaking, there are usually red flags when it comes to people’s behaviors. Often, we may ignore those warning signs or choose to explain them away. Well, eventually, those red flags start to manifest into more and more questionable behaviors and issues, affecting everything and everyone. These relationships spiral out of control and become what we have come to call “toxic”. Just like the name implies, these toxic relationships/friendships are harmful, dangerous, and are likely to destroy someone in some way. So, how do you know when to walk away and let toxic friendships go?
Identify The Behavior and Address It
You don’t have to be able to perfectly explain it, but you should be able to identify behavior that someone is exhibiting that causes you distress, discomfort, or anxiety. When you realize what it is, tell the person who is doing it how it makes you feel. They don’t have to completely “understand it”, but they should respect your feelings. If you find that they are not receptive or that they don’t care about your feelings, then, it may be time to reconsider that friendship.
Decide If Your Friend Is A R.E.A.L. One
Every friendship is not life-jarring. Some are more superficial, and that makes them a lot easier to let go. But, what about those who mean more to you? At some point, if the friendship is causing you to regret having them in your life, then, you may need to let that friendship go. We often talk to children about finding “real friends”. Well, is your friend “real”? R.E.A.L. Does your friend treat you with Respect, as an Equal, act Amiably, and show you Love? If not, then, you don’t have a REAL friend….you have an acquaintance.
Are They Affecting Other Areas Of Your Life
Do you have to spend tons of time contemplating how to deal with your friend or determining whether you should even share your life with this person? This type of concern can greatly affect your life in areas that they are not even involved in. Your work could suffer. Your other relationships could suffer. You may not perform as well and you may begin not to enjoy things that usually make you happy. Pretty much, at that point, that “toxic” friend is sucking all of the happiness and peace out of your life. Sis, peace, and happiness are non-negotiables. NO friendship will ever be worth you sacrificing the things that make you content with life.
Choosing How To Say Goodbye
Take time to address the issues and behaviors that are destroying your friendship with this person in a direct and honest, but non-combative way. You don’t want a fight, and if this person is as toxic as some people can be, they probably would be all in if something were to jump off. You want to avoid being physical and focus on addressing the behavior. That being said, you will know that it is time to let that relationship go if you can no longer take solace in or even identify the positives of the relationship.
Now, in all honesty, you don’t have to get to a point of no return or feel like your world is breaking to let this friendship go. It may not take ALL of that. It could be a first or second time of you recognizing behaviors that cause you to feel uncomfortable or to question whether you want to be aligned with someone who exhibits certain qualities. So, whether it’s one day or half of a lifetime, when a friendship no longer feeds your need for companionship and you don’t feel like that person is worthy of your undivided attention and friendship, do what you need to do for you. Let it go. It may hurt. But, your REAL friends will be there for you, and their love and support will be priceless.
